Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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