I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
