you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
