Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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