Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
