So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
