I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
