There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
