i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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