My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize