Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
