i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
