So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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