You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
