Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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