Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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