Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
