My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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