I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
