sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
