Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize