i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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