i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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