Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
