just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
