i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
