from now on my penis is your penis
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
