I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
