guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize