she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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