I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
