So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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