You're completely useless in the revolution.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
