I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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