why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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