I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize