I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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