i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
