i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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