Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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