youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
