I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Randomize
