just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize