I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize