and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
