Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
