he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
