I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
