don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
