Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
