I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
