i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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