Just cropdusted the office
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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