This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
