She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
