omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
