I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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