his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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