Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
