I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
