We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
