walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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