4 words: hood of his car
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
