I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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